It is now 35 sleeps until Christmas. Of course now that means that radio stations, BBC, TV and just about everyone will start to be playing the ‘XMAS HITS’. It does fill me with great joy, to know that christmas is around the corner, as it signifies rest, family, good food, sometimes good telly, good drink and in all honesty the best holiday around the world (in my humble opinion at least). However, hearing the christmas songs of the last 40 years gives me such a feeling of discomfort, illness and unease, that I feel like an isolated soldier in a foreign jungle, just awaiting an ambush. Except in this sense, it’s Noddy Holder and Shakin’ Stevens that are doing the attacking, not the Vietcong. And instead of an exotic, war wrecked jungle, its Debenhams.
Here are my ‘Five Hot Tips!’ for avoiding the christmas songs you hate and would better the holiday by being eviscerated from our festive psyche…
1. WEAR HEADPHONES EVERYWHERE YOU GO. Even if people stop to talk to you, just keep the headphones in and try to lip read. You never know when a Wizard or East 17 xmas hit will hit you. Always be on your guard.
2. CREATIVE VISUALISATION. Associate all christmas music with fond non Christmas song memories. Therefore, if you do hear one you can transcend to a zen state of anti – Wham! Last Christmas.
3. STAY INDOORS AT ALL TIMES. Its cold outside anyway. And the postcard visual aspect of Britain at christmas is always from an inside view looking outside. Usually catching a glimpse of Santa (not real) or snowmen (waste of time they melt, tend to ruin perfectly decent scarfs and hats and leave a carroty mess). So the inside looking out is so much better. Stay in and that way you can choose what you listen to or watch.
4. LISTEN TO REUBEN. Always, always listen to Reuben. They are the greatest ever. And they had a christmas song as well. It’s called ‘Christmas is Awesome’. It’s awesome. Listen to that and it’ll make you forget about the utter dross that only people like the characters Hugh Grant plays (and probably Hugh Grant himself) listen to at this time of year.
5. DONT GIVE IN TO THE SLADE DEVIL. When others sing it, or it keeps playing it (probably the office party or uncomfortable evening of drinks with people down the road you dont like), keep the faith. You can avoid it. Just keep doing what youve been doing. Have the Willpower. It all stops after boxing day. If friends try to lure you in with carols or any yule tide hits, punch them or remove them from your presents list. A true friend would never subject you to such horrible sounds.
Stick to all of these tips, keep strong and plough on through. And if you cant do that either convert to a religion that doesnt celebrate christmas (Id recommend Scientology, you know the alien, Tom Cruise one), move to Libia or just allow the wave of joy come over you. Its what everyone else does and they seem pretty content and happy.